I oftentimes find myself asking why; why did those things happen to me, why do I hurt the way I do, why is it this way? Why has life been so unkind, so painful, so hard? Why do I have to fight this battle that I never asked for?
I cry out to God when my mind fractures and strains and I ask Him why. I beg Him for answers, I beg Him to make it make sense. I beg Him to tell me why I hurt the way I do.
I think of Job. I think of Joseph. I think of the pain they both suffered.
Job lost everything. Job cursed the day he was born. Job was angry at God.
Job was filled with the worst kind of human misery and grief and never once did God not see him. Not a single one of Job’s tears went uncounted.
I think of Joseph being sold into slavery by his brothers. I think of how he was imprisoned, tortured, and given suffering that in no way did he ever deserve. I think of Genesis 50:20 and I hope that, just like Joseph, all of the harms brought against me will be used for good.
It is so difficult when your mind or your body wages war against you. It is so difficult to fight against yourself. All I want is to live a happy life.
Why must I fight against myself in the process?
Lately I have found solace in the Lord’s Prayer, in the Nicene and Apostles’ Creeds. Those timeless words are a comforting balm to the places where I hurt the deepest.
I look at my beautiful child, I look at all of the wonderful people whom I care for and am cared for by, I look at all of the small moments of happiness and joy in my everyday journey and I think that perhaps the pain is simply the price that I must pay to know the beauty and love that I do.
I don’t know why things are the way they are. I don’t know the answers. I do know that God knows and somehow, at least for me, that is answer enough.